Make my bed
Take boys to work
That’s more or less it. My daily routine.
I think I underestimated just how important it is to have routine in my post brain tumour life and how much of an impact unexpected changes can have.
I have struggled this week. I have been working mornings. I was asked to work an extra day. Yesterday, I worked longer than I intended because I found some comfort in spending lunch time in a quiet spot with an autistic child who was telling me all about his lego collection and how much he likes climbing.
Don’t get me wrong… I LOVE my new job. It has given me purpose and a sense of identity again, but I’ve been struggling with balancing the unpredictable demands of freelance work with my equally unpredictable energy levels.
Having goals and a routine is so crucial to me. It makes me feel in control of my ‘new normal’. How I hate that phrase!! This week has made me realise why I love training so much, why it is so important to me. It gives my life a structure and predictability. It is a constant. I know what is happening from day to day. I know where it’s leading. I know what is expected of me. I don’t have to think about what to wear!
I am grieving the loss of the old me who wouldn’t have been phased at being asked to work extra hours, who would’ve been excited at the prospect of working in a new location at the last minute and not panicking about the impact of a longer drive on my fatigue levels or screwing up because I can’t focus, who would have managed to get up earlier than normal to fit that run in because I’d be working long hours…
I have made it to Thursday and I’ve survived. I’m sure I’ll figure it out, but right now life is full of checklists and a bit of a challenge.